My Personal Life

Hey everyone, even though I spend what feels like every waking moment on the computer, it seems as though I am returning to a long lost lover. I haven't been very active on Twitter nor have I posted a new blog on Our Beauty Struggles lately because my life has been very hectic lately. And I have definitely been around way to much death the last couple of weeks.

First of a girl I knew was raped and murdered over 3 weeks ago by her brother in law. This was not only completely unexpected and shocking but also eye opening. This world isn't the safe place I knew as home, now I am much more aware of the man behind me in the super market line purchasing milk or that strange car parked outside my house a little bit longer than necessary. I am no longer the naive girl I used to be and I know that a lot of other girls that knew Jenny have been affected the same way. "Woe to the earth and the sea, because the devil has gone down to you! He is filled with fury, because he knows that his time is short." (Revelation 12:12)

And secondly my sweet Priscilla was put down the 25th of March and her "absence has gone through me, like thread through a needle, everything I do is stitched with its color." (W.S. Merwin) She managed to bite open her tumor Wednesday night, even though she didn't seem to be in any pain we couldn't have left her opened like that. So we rushed Priscilla to the vet as earliest as they could take her and had her put down. My brother, my mother and I sat there all crying for the loss of our fury friend. We asked to have the body returned to us so we could bury her in the garden. She now resides under the wild yellow tulips that come out every hot summer. Her active craziness will be always missed.

Aside from all that sadness I have just been very busy with my last year of high school. I just can't wait to graduate on June 5th and start the rest of my life, the beginning of something new.

-Angela Garcia

P.S. If you didn't know Priscilla was my pet rat.

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Memories

“Blazing across the night sky, like shards of broken stars floating images of you, flickering in the darkened haze of my memory, stirring the warm ashes of longing to see you, in the early morning light, to hear your laughter from the next room, to feel your hand resting on my shoulder to have you here once again.”

This short poem was written in 2005 a year after September 11th by a firefighter I believe and I think it conveys the feeling of loss so well. Wouldn’t you have been able to assume it was about sadness and the loss of something without me having to tell you? I hope so. Similar to what I wrote previously the idea of time has always fascinated me, which is why I keep old photos, recites, any kind of ticket stubs, and loved creating scrap books. You truly only realize how short life is when you experience the loss of something.

Like when you’re sitting on a coach with a pillow by your side and then someone asks you for it and once you hand it over you instantly feel the loss, the space the pillow leaves behind. You then have to readjust so your side isn’t exposed because of the missing pillow. That’s the way death and the loss of anything really. We all grow to be so accustomed to having certain things and people in life that once they are gone we finally realize how important they truly were to begin with.

Being able to look back at photos, home videos, old letters and old perfume you wore one summer, is just an instant form of memory traveling that makes the past seems a little bit closer. I wish I would have saved old perfume bottles because I find that smell is the most effective way to "time travel." In a world where everything is so impersonal, were love letters have turned into cold emails that eventually become erased because your email is over flowing with myspace updates. It’s nice to be able to hold onto something human, something tangible to remind us all that yes, time has passed.

-Angela

P.S. The picture at the top is actually a beautiful old card that was given to me by one of the loveliest women I have ever meet. She used to call me Miss. Angela Garcia and wrote to me about her travels and her life experiences. This specific letter was about how she meet her husband for the first time. It was beautiful.

Most Guy Syndrome

My mother recently told me that when she was a teenager she would always say that she wanted to marry a guy who was an orphan because then she wouldn’t have to deal with a nosy mother in-law. Little did she know that she would marry a man with a huge Puerto Rican family that is far from the words quite. However now I understand what she meant about wanting to marry an orphan and I am going to call it “most guys syndrome.”

Now the symstophms of this syndrome cannot be mistaken or ignored. You know your husband or boyfriend has this syndrome when after you cook him a meal with love and care he complains about how it will never compare to his mothers. Or when describing the perfect girl he mentions distinct qualities his mother or sister have, like curly hair, long legs, or short girls. And I know that most boys do do this. For instance whenever I cut my hair short my brother hates it because for most of my life I’ve kept it long and it is what he was grown used to. When he dos find a girlfriend I am almost certain that she will be similar in body weight and long hair, because thats his type.

And for the most part there is nothing wrong with this syndrome, if anything I find it endearing and cute that guys believe you can match up to the women that raised them. However some guys (like my father) place their mothers on such high pedestals that very few women can actually reach. So then they find themselves competing against there mothers which is a terrible position to be in, quite frankly.

Guys should be conscious of this and make it much easier for there other half to get along with there beloved mothers. The amazing example in the bible of Ruth and her mother in-law Naomi.

Ruth 1:22- So Naomi returned, and Ruth the Moabitess, her daughter in law, with her, which returned out of the country of Moab: and they came to Bethlehem in the beginning of barley harvest.

-Angela

Time

Ever since I was about 11 years old the concept of time always fascinated me, I even started collecting quotes and poems on the subject.

For instance this is one of my favorite poems from a book called If You Come Softly by Jacqueline Woodsoon: “This is how time moves an hour here and day somewhere and then its night and then its morning. A clock ticking on a self, a small child running to school, a father coming home. Times over us and past us and feeling of lips pressed against lips fade into memory. A picture yellows at its edges, a phone rings in an empty room. Time comes to us softly slowly. It sits besides us for a while. Then long before we are ready it moves on.”

I may have enjoyed this quote because I love over dramatic things however I also love the concept of time because it is incredibly fleeting, the thought that the last sentence I just wrote is part of the past is incredible.

I remember missing the bus on a freezing cold winter day, the kind of cold that just seeps into your bones and hurts no matter how many layers you have on. I started getting really anxious because it was so cold and I just wanted to go home, so the way I calmed myself down was thinking that in an hour or so I would be in my warm house.

It’s just amazing to me how vivid and real life is like the “feeling of lips pressed against lips” a hug, or even a conversation may be but in a matter of days it fades away and our days turn into memories. Even though it is a bit depressing it’s also beautiful to know that if you are ever in pain or suffering a problem there will always be brighter times ahead of you and all the bad stuff will just feel like a memory.

“…And then its night and then its morning.”

-Angela Garcia

P.S. The beautiful picture at the top of my blog is by an amazing photographer who I recently found named Justine S. Check out more of her work here: http://neyle.deviantart.com/

Children

What comes to your mind when you think of children? Maybe it’s their tiny little fingers, contagious laughter, endless imagination, or there amazing courage to say everything that is on their mind. But whatever you do think of I can only imagine it will bring an instant smile to your face. I think of the words Jesus said to his disciples in Matthew 18:13 “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” Jesus knew how pure the heart of a child was and how they were like a clean canvases with no evil or bad in their hearts.

One of the things that never cease to surprise me about children is that they truly believe they can be anything they want to be. If you ever ask a child what they want to do when they grow up they will always tell you something amazing, like an astronauts or presidents. And unfortunately as we grow up most of us loss that ability to believe we can be whatever we want to be and the world becomes a complicated place. Why do we allow this to happen to us?

I also love how children always ask questions about everything because at that age the world is so new to them that they want to find out all the answers. It’s sad because the world is still this magical place full of endless possibilities and full of unanswered questions we just stop asking because we’re afraid of what the answers might be. I think we should all be like children discovering new things and allowing ourselves the chance to do what we wanted to do as children, no matter how outrageous they may seem to us now.

A child can ask questions that a wise man cannot answer. ~Author Unknown

-Angela Garcia

This I believe is true:

I vaguely remember reading somewhere that feeling love was the equivalent of looking into the eyes of God, and I have been able to experience that feeling over and over again. However I think that there is something to be said about the love animals and humans can share for one another. I have the cutest pet rat named Priscilla. I remember the day she was brought home from the pet shop; she was so small and white; she kept excessively licking herself and sneezing. My 14 year old brother picked her out on his own because I was completely grossed out with the idea of having a rat for a pet, but slowly she melted my heart, my mother’s heart, and, with time, even my father’s. My brother said he chose her because she was in the corner of the cage all by herself and he didn’t want her to be lonely, but after a couple of days of having her we realized it was because of her over active craziness that the other rats probably didn’t want to play with her.

Priscilla has been a member of the family for almost a year now, and in that time spam I have seen her cry when she wants to be let out of her cage, jump for joy at my brother’s return from a sleep over, and she has even licked my tears away as I cried, trying to sooth me. Even though Priscilla can’t speak, she understands. However, female rats that don’t have babies develop tumors that end their short lives prematurely. Unfortunately, Priscilla has this terrible tumor that is consuming her slowly and eventually we will have to put her to sleep. I’m crying hysterically as I write this because I will miss her pearly white fur, her little pink hands, and her sharp teeth that ruin any material in sight immensely. The thought that when I have a bad day she won’t be around to make me laugh or steal my food when I’m eating is so sad. My most favorite memory, how she falls asleep in my hair when I lie down, will make me miss her even more when she is gone.

Animals inspire unconditional love, creativity, and motivation to become a better person. Priscilla bites everything- which is why I don’t allow her on my bed a lot. I don’t want to have my bed sheets resemble Swiss cheese. However, when she does chew on them all I manage is a weak, “Silla no!” and then pick her up, put her on my shoulder, and tilt my head so she can kiss my cheek. She has made my brother and me much more responsible because she is an animal that needs interaction and to be loved; she can’t just be left in her cage. As a result of this, she has to be let out and played with for at least an hour every day and, like any other pet, she needs to be bathed, which is an impossible task. Even though she is incredibly annoying, she has so much personality that she will be greatly missed. This I believe is true, that the love an animal gives can change the life of a person and a family.

-Angela Garcia

If I were a...

If I were a gemstone I would be a black pearl; beautiful, elegant but with a hint of mystery.

If I were a scent I would be a mix between Turpentine and Tommy Girl perfume. Those two scents together really reminds me of all the days I would spend in the art studio painting with oils when I was younger.

If I were a pair of shoes I would be a pair of Marc Jacob pumps with read soles.

If I were the weather I would be a beautiful autumn day with stunning orange, yellow, and brown leaves.

If I were a facial expression I would be a huge wide smile.

If I were a time of day I would be morning when the sun starts rise. When the sky first turns pink and pours into windows reminding people that a new day is about to come.

If I were a taste I would be the amazing taste of a chilled watermelon that dribbles juice down your chin on a hot summer day.

If I were a musical instrument I would be a violin that can be melancholy and sweet but also strong and powerful.

If I were a flower I would be a bright sunflower that just instantly causes happiness.

If I were a song I would be Heal Over by KT Tunstall.

If I were a planet I would be Saturn.

If I were a sound I would be laughter.

If I were a day of the week I would be Thursday because it’s just this beautiful reminder that the weekend is coming soon.

-Angela Garcia

P.S. The painting above was created by me, it was mean to express what a tree would look like in my world and what it looks like to others.

True Happiness

I would consider myself a fairly happy person; I have even been identified many times as the girl with a huge smile and dark eyes. However I do love to through a good pity party, where I sit sulking over my problems and mistakes for longer than needed because I can’t be perfect, like a lot of girls do.

So I was recently reading a book called Sophie’s World by: Jostein Gaarder that is a novel about the history of philosophy and always raises really thought provoking questions.

“True happiness lies in not being dependent of such random and fleeting things. And because happiness does not consist in benefits if this kind it is within everyone’s reach. Moreover have once been attained, it can never be lost.” So according to this quote from the book Sophie’s World happiness isn’t found in the fleeting things like friends or sports or anything else, it has to come from within. And honestly this feels a little bit impossible to me because if I am ever in a fight with my friends or family I turn to something else like another person or art and music. However the problem with this is that those are trivial things that could be taken away from me at any time and then I would no longer be happy in theory because I wouldn’t have my sources of happiness.

So after much thought and conversation about what perfect happiness really is I finally come up with the answer. “My God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation. He is my stronghold, my refuge and my savior--from violent men you save me.” (2 Samuel 22:3) God is the only ever constant thing, which can never be taken away from anyone even if everything else I love is, God will always be there to comfort me. I truly believe that looking for true happiness inside of you is a lot more of an atheist idea because they only relay on themselves, but not those who follow the true God you will never be alone and you will never feel unhappy. "Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in God." (Psalms 31:24)

-Angela Garcia

With Out Love You Have Nothing

I recently read this bible text from I Corinthians 13: 2, 3 and it reads “And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing.”

I completely adore this bible text because it’s just a beautiful reminder of how important loving others truly is. God is not only a God of love, but he is love like it says in 1 John, everything he does it motivated by love. I know it is hard for some people to love complete strangers and meet new people but we were all created from Gods image which means we are all capable of loving and honestly it’s extremely addicting. I can remember almost every good deed I have done since I was a child because it made me feel good inside. I remember one time letting an old woman cut in front of me one day when I was around 8 years old at White Castle and I processed to tell told everyone about it that day. Even though people will be rude at times try anyway, remember that are following in Jesus foot prints and what others say does not matter.

In conclusion I leave you with John 13: 35 "By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."

-Angela Garcia

Answering A Question

I was once asked by a classmate from my old school why I loved a God who was sexist, of course this girl was an Atheist like the everyone else in today day, because what’s good is bad and what is bad is good in today’s society but that’s for another blog. This girl was talking about the bible text in Ephesians 5: 21-23 and it says “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your husband’s as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.”

I am the oldest in my house by three years of age, my little brother is 14 but my entire life he has had more freedom than me and even now that I am almost 18 I can’t go anywhere without him because my parents think he will protect me and in reality even though he is only 14 he is much taller than I am and a lot stronger and much less implosive than I. This is exactly what God our loving father does, he puts a man in front of every woman to protect, to calm down, to even ground us and bring us back to reality. This of course only works if the man is a devoted love of God and lets Christ be his head.

Women are known for gossiping, twisting words, and over reacting and any truthful women will say that are one point or another they can be blamed for such a thing, I know I have. Now men are normally not known for these attributes they are mostly known for being much calmer and blind to a lot of the things women would notice in an instance. I enjoy having best friends that are guys rather than girls because they don’t care what you wear or what you like as opposed to girls who care way too much about stupid little things. Which is what makes men and women so different and why men were placed there for us by God to protect us, calm us down and point out when we are wrong.

It isn’t about women being stupid or weak it’s just about the perfect balance of life and always having someone strong and to help you. And like Ephesians 5: 25 reads “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” He isn’t trying to be little us but protect us.

-Angela

The Perfect Day

Hey as some of you may know I’m the creator of a web site called Our Beauty Struggles that is meant to raise awareness to eating disorders but that isn’t what I am going to talk about today. I was actually asked on my web site that I wanted to answer depth: What was my definition of a perfect day? It really got me thinking about my perfect day and have had two, two days that float around in my mind and bring warmth whenever I replay them in my mind; days that have that feeling of an old black and white photo that has beautifully faded edges and women in different clothing that makes it seem like a different world.

I am going to talk about my first perfect day.

I was about 12 years old but felt like I was at least 20. I am not sure why but at this point in my life my parents gave me so much freedom and treated me like an adult and now that I am almost 18 I have much less freedom. Not the point, around this time I was attending art classes in the basement of a beautiful church in Queens New York every Saturday around 4 o’clock. I looked forward to this class more than anything else in the world. My art teacher was a very strange looking women but so incredibly talented and it seemed like just by touching our canvases she would magically make it better. I also loved that you could hear the choir practicing in the church through the vents of the basement. I also loved the dim lights, how my teacher would have us put our easels in a circle and make us paint in silence. It was just us and the painting.

However my perfect day was a combination of the choir singing, the dim lights, the smell of Turpentine, the way a painting grows and changes, and as I was leaving my art class with my huge tote bag with my canvases, paints, brushes art knives and everything else I was just in this completely amazing mood. And as I was crossing the street I looked over and saw this amazing red orange sunset against the silhouette of the massive buildings.

I don’t remember anything else that happened that day which is perfect and what makes it such a dreamy hazy memory.

-Angela Garcia