#DearMe

I will be 23 years old come April. I have only been out of school since 2010. I will probably continue to make my share of mistakes and will have even better insight and advice to give myself in 10 more years but right now this is what I have to say. I am addressing teen age me. I hold nothing but sweet memories before the age of 12. Therefore no advice to give other than hold onto that sweetness, life will too soon get too complicated.

Middle sucked so much and I am so sorry. My biggest advice stop trying to blend in. Stop! Embrace being called skittles, white girl, rainbow. Embrace that love for color and art and don't be ashamed of it. You were seeing the bigger picture before a lot of your peers. Don't sacrifice everything to fit in, its not worth it those three years will soon be over. Just submerge yourself into your art because one day it will no longer be a part of your life and you will miss it. Don't date boys you don't like just so you can say you have a boyfriend not only can you do better, its not nice to them.

High school; I could write volumes to you. Your freshman year of high school in a new place you had some of the right ideas. You read a lot and ate lunch in the art room and made few but good friends. You kept to yourself and sort of tried to mend what had been so broken at the end of middle school. However stay away from boys! Stay away! I can tell you now anyone worth meeting, you haven't meet yet and you know it too. Stop getting the attention from the wrong guys they will not help with the healing they will only make it hurt more in the long run.

Eventually you will find someone so wonderful and so worth loving. Someone who even still brings a smile to my lips. Of course it doesn't last but good for you for loving the way you only can that first time. Just loving until you ache all over. Be sweeter  and kinder to him and to yourself. On that note don't start "dieting" don't stop eating! That will only further damage you. Instead start running or make your parents let you join the soccer team, show them how much you need this. You will eventually start working out and love it and wish you had done it so much sooner.

Fight more for what you want. Not for things like clothes, shoes, tattoos, piercings, or hair color. Honestly you will be thankful that you couldn't get most of those things. Please please please don't pierce your belly button behind your parents back. Instead fight for things like soccer, going to college, art classes and internships.  Don't let go of your dreams so easily, you can't get them back.

Stand up for what you believe. If you hear something you believe and know in your core is wrong stand up for yourself. Don't apologize! Don't hide who you are it only hurts your parents and others around you when the truth does finally come out. Defend everyone you wish you had. That you will not be a regret. Put your girlfriends before boyfriends. How I wish I could have spent more time hanging out with my best friend than just using her as a cover up.

Lastly stay a vegan you had the right idea back then. Don't be less compassionate because someone tells you to be. Its okay to feel so intensely and to be so compassionate even for the things most people aren't. You are the balance. Don't change yourself to fit someone else. It will not better your relationship. You are different the way everyone is. You don't really like people and that won't change. You don't believe in God and you can't fathom how anyone can, that won't change either but it will stop bothering you soon. You will be okay. You will be happy. Most importantly learn to let go of the things that are no longer meant for you.

Enjoy being a teen I promise you won't end up alone, not even close. 

Shaving the Hair on my Head

March of last year I had a friend from high school and a talented hair stylist shave the side of my hair off. If you know me personally you would know that I had never really done anything crazy with my hair before thing. It's not that I never wanted to. In high school I would have killed to dye my hair lime green or so black its blue but my parents wouldn't even hear of it. So I started creating an alter ego of myself. She had all the cool hair styles I wanted, tattooed sleeves, piercings, she was even thinner and much taller than myself. She existed only in my mind and there she lived for a long time. It was a version of me that was cooler, fearless and lived without consequences.

However march of last year I had sort of reached my mental limit, life wasn't even close to okay and I was tried of following the social norms, still seeking the approval of my parents, and doing what was expected of me. I decided to change my hair because it was the easiest, most drastic, and less life altering thing I could do. Sure I could have gotten a tattoo on my chest that said "Fuck Off" but I thought maybe one day I would regret it. Instead I decided to shave the hair that everyone loved so much. My friend and hair stylist was very skeptical of cutting it for me because she knew I had never done anything like this before, but she did. What I'm not sure she knows is that not only did she cut my hair but she also helped free me from the box my parents had put me in so long ago and that I had allowed myself to stay in.

Now when people see me they sometimes have to do a double take. I am shocked by all the compliments people give me regarding my hair. Even though the compliments are really nice that is not why I did it. I did it because I was 22 years old and I didn't even closely resemble the girl I had created in my mind. Worst of all no one else was stopping me but myself. That was the scariest thing of all. I was getting into fitness and I thought "why not start a complete transformation?" Why not start making myself happy? So now I am. The older I get the less I think Britney Spears was crazy for shaving her head. She was unhappy and wanted people to take her seriously so she did the easiest thing she could do, she took away the image people had of her. She shaved off her long beautiful blond hair so that there was nothing left for her to hide behind or for people to be distracted by. When you saw Britney you couldn't help but see the truth. I wanted that. I wanted people to look at me and finally see me. Of course my parents really hate my hair and that hurt a lot in the begin. Not everyone will except the person you are. However it makes your appreciate the people who do so much more. Like my son and husband who both look at me like I am the most beautiful woman in the world. 

I am proud of my hair, because slowly I am becoming proud of myself. I am glad that I am allowing people to see the real me, with all my flaws. That I am testing relationships and growing stronger bonds. My hair style has caused some interesting conversations and I know that years from now I might laugh at myself and think of how silly it was but I also know that I will own it because it wasn't just a fashion statement it was the first step in discovering what I really wanted. That first step is never an easy one. Whats yours?

-Ang

Chocolate Chip Cookies & Ketchup, yum!

Breakfast, the most important meal of the day right? Well this is what my child's plate looks like this morning: one scrambled egg, one frozen waffle with generic strawberry persevere, some ketchup and a homemade chocolate chip cookie. Now the cookie is there because he went "poop on the potty" and its better than giving him candy first thing in the morning. I like to give him waffles with either strawberry perseveres or yogurt because in my head its better than syrup somehow. So as I watch my child dip his cookie into the ketchup not only am I disgusted but I can't help but laugh at the irony. I remember all the intentions I had for parenting my first born son.

I remember being pregnant and reading all the books and blogs there were about raising happy healthy organic babies. Naturally when my son was born I was avid about breastfeeding and made sure not to introduce bottles before the 3 month mark so as to not invoke nipple confusion. However breastfeeding didn't come easy to my son and I; with all the constant calling and visits to my lactation consultant. It took lots of tears, some blood and many many tubes of nipple cream later we finally made it through alive with the support of my husband and all of our family. Once Dax my son, was 6 months old we started introducing solids with the baby led weaning approach. He loved everything I gave him and took to all the fruits and vegetables so well. I was swollen with pride at how amazingly well my son ate. However somewhere along the 9 month mark my life got crazier and the exhaustion that comes along with being a new mom had finally set in. I couldn't hand make every single thing that went into his mouth anymore, or maybe I just didn't want to.

Either way I started using the help of the groceries stores more and more. At first I made sure to pick up organic waffles, animal crackers, cereal and other bits and bobs. However as my child grows older he becomes more a part of the grocery shopping process, grabbing at things and saying "yummy" in the adorable way that he does. I don't have it in my heart to say no to such simple pleasures as the occasional sugary cereal and fruit snack. I know they aren't the best for him but we all love to indulge in treats here in there.

Dax at 10 months eating something.

Even though I still make about 75 percent of the all the meals, sauces, snacks, stocks, and desserts we eat  on a regular basis I can't help but laugh at myself. If I have learned anything from the last two years of parenting it is not to take myself so seriously! As long as I try my best my child will be fine. Honestly he will probably be better than fine! I am not a better mom for all the suffering I had to endure with nursing. Honestly it did nothing to help my postpartum depression and build a connection with my son. I wish I could go back and tell young me "Just relax, don't turn into a crazy person none of this will matter in the end." I wish I had just enjoyed my son more. Because it is more likely he will remember the mornings he spent with Dad eating marshmallow cereal and watching cartoons more than how organic the banana was that went along with his cereal. In all honestly even if he did eat a perfect diet every day until he was 18, he will one day leave home and ruin all the hard work I have done. So as I watch my son dip cookies into ketchup or tortilla chips into yogurt I have to remind myself to stare into his big beautiful dark eyes and appreciate this perfect moment because it also won't last forever.

-Angela, Mama

Happy New Year! 2015

Hello to the first few hours of 2015. I am not a believer of god. However when it feels like a black cloud continues to follow you regardless of your best efforts to change I always think of the words my mother would say to me when I was younger. "This happens because you have allowed the devil to take part in your life and now you have to fight hard to rid yourself of him." Even though I don't even remotely believe in the biblical devil I do believe in bad energy. And I sort of feel like all the bad energy of this last year is still lingering.

For the most part we all love a new year. We welcome it in with kisses, cheers, friends, family, good food and drinks. We write letters biding adieu to the past year. We set goals and have aspirations for the new year. I think we all love it so much because it's a more tangible way to view time which is always fleeting. I have always viewed life and years as books. You start the new year with a beautifully bound crisp note book. When you open the spine cracks. And on the first page you take the time and write beautifully, neatly. And as time goes by we get sloppy, we make mistakes and have to ripe pages out, cross out paragraphs. Regardless of the year you had it just always feels good to metaphorically set the old book on the shelf and start a new one. To start all over, set new goals, intentions, aspirations.

However I have to remind myself today that in reality it is really just a Thursday like any other Thursday. All the struggles in the last year are still here and present. All those wounds are still new and need time to heal. Unfortunately all my previous mistakes didn't go away with the passing of the old year. I need to remind myself not to be discouraged that not all is perfect and well. However I also need to remind myself that with hard work, persistence and lots and lots of love all will heal and it will have all been worth it. Last year was trying but it taught me lots. More than anything it taught me that family is truly the most important thing about life. You hold on to family, you fight for family and you never give up. I have nothing but high hopes for the future and to fill this blog and my life with happy memories of all the good that is to come. Because that is the prize. At the end of my life I want nothing more than to sit next to my husband all wrinkled and cute looking at the family our love built and having known that our work went naught in vain.

Don't be discouraged if these first few hours of the new year haven't gone the way you want. You have your whole life to fix it. Start over. Take it minutes at a time; sometimes anything else just feels like too large of a task to manage and that is okay. This too shall pass.

-Bye

Goodbye 2014, Hello 2015

Daniel and I in Chicago December 2014 

I have done this every year since I was probably 14 or 15; usually it is written away in a journal somewhere for no one to see. However this year I feel it is more than appropriate to share with the void of the internet. So here it goes the recap; of the hardest year I have ever lived. Its funny but I have never thought a whole year was bad before. I used to think months and periods of time were bad but usually the over all year would be fine. But this year I think my husband and I can fully agree this was the worst of them all. From the very first moment the ball dropped nothing was quite right and the year just got periodically worse. Thankfully I was able to salvage the last few month of this year and my husband and I got to make some amazing memories especially in December. And I cannot wait for 2015 to get here. This one I can tell is going to be amazing. So here are some of my goals and resolutions for the coming year:

First off I want to read more. Whenever my life is going crazy I always stop reading, even when I was in high school. I think it is because my brain is so overwhelmed it can't be bothered to think of any thing else but the confusion rolling around in my brain. Now that all is going well I would love to start reading books that inspire: love, art and lighthearted dreams.

Secondly this next one is not high on my priority list. Its actually the only thing I accomplished this year. I stuck to all my health and fitness goals. I am the strongest and in the best shape of my life. When everything got so chaotic this year I would go for a run or do yoga and I could block out all of my internal struggles. I will continue working out at home and enjoying the freedom of running and being thankful for the strong body I have. However this year I will not become a slave to my diet and my exercise.

Third I want to work on my mental health. I want to work on staying happy and healthy. I want to feel more confident asking for help and letting others know when I am not okay. I used to be all about keeping up a good facade, even when everything around me was crumbling. I have learned this year that letting people in has allowed me to become closer to my friends and my family members who knew of my struggles. I can relate better with most of them. I want to remember that no ones life is perfect and that its okay to be vulnerable and ask for help.

Fourth one is lighthearted but a must for 2015. I NEED to get my drivers licenses this year or else an anvil had better fall on my head or something awful and drastic better happen. Nothing more needs said about that.

At Carnivale a restaurant in Chicago 

Fifth I want to continue discovering myself without hurting those around me. This is something really important I learned this year. Just because I am a young mother and wife that doesn't mean I have to lose chunks of myself. With that being said I also don't need to hurt those around me while I am exploring. I want to live gently.

While exploring and getting to know myself I want to get a couple of tattoos this new year. Its a silly goal but one I have always wanted to do and would be amazing if I finally got the chance to do.

And lastly and most importantly putting my family ahead of everything. This December not only are Daniel and I happier but Dax looks so happy and has grown up so much in the last month. I want to continue growing whole and healthy with my amazing little family. I also want to apologize to my friends and family who were affected by all my actions this year. I am so extremely sorry. I love you all so much and I cannot wait to put 2014 behind me and move forward with my family and friends. See you all in the new year.

-Angela 

Well Hello There

Its been a little over 2 years and life still hasn't slowed down in the least. I haven't become wiser or more graceful. In fact I would say I have fallen harder and farther than ever before. I am actually more proud of my teen age self than ever. Some how through everything I managed to keep a good head on my shoulders. Now... I don't seem to know anything. I am 22 years old. I am a mother of a handsome two years old boy named Dax. I am a wife of three years, I am a daughter, I am a sister, I am an aunt, a cousin, a friend and there are probably other titles I am also failing. People I am also letting down.

I thought parents were suppose to have it all together. I knew they weren't perfect and I knew some parents were the worst of the worst; the kind that show up on the 6 o'clock news. But I didn't know there were parents like me. Parents that are struggling so much with their inner demons. Clinging to sanity. I'm not sure if I feel this way because I am so young but I cant help it. Every day I am torn with the feeling of awe at this little person I have to call my own, who fills my heart and home with so much love. At the same time I feel so trapped. I had such a strict up bringing and finally breaking free at 18 felt amazing, I knew I was going to go places and see everything. And then getting married and pregnant at 19 (and yes in that order) closed the door on so much. I was always a free spirit. I was always a little wild, a little untamed. I maybe lacked the courage to do the things I wanted but I knew I would over come that somehow.

Now as a mother I see the wonderful road I am down. The many glorious adventures I am about to face. And I want more than anything not think of my selfish, superficial desires. I want to be a mother who tries her hardest to be the best she can to her child. But I can still feel the longing in my heart to live all those many adventures I dreamed of when I was once a child. And I think even more importantly I wish my choices and decisions were like those of my two year old, simple and to some extent inconsequential. They aren't, not even close! I just want to enjoy watching him grow up. I don't want to resent motherhood. I know it's an amazing gift. I am just battling where my needs stand in comparison  to my child and my family.

-Angela

Befriending the Girl in the Mirror

I was walking by a beautiful reflective building made out of glass and I caught a glimpse of my reflection. In that reflection I was wearing black skinny jeans, a black and white hound print coat and my bright orange convers. I even complemented the glimpse I saw of myself before I realized I wasn’t wearing orange anything; I had black ballerina flats on instead. Shortly after leaving my apartment that morning I had regretted my shoe choice and would have preferred my old chucks, they would have been the perfect “pop of color” and much more practical for walking around. However the fact of the matter is I wasn’t wearing those shoes. My mind had subconsciously edited what I was actually wearing. This got me thinking about all the times I had obsessed over my appearance while a close friend or my mother assured me it was all in my head. And don’t get me wrong I’m aware that eating disorders are about distorted images we believe as truth. But something about seeing it so bluntly really put things into perspective for me. I mean if I could convince myself that I was wearing a pair of shoes then maybe it was all in my head all along. This allowed me to believe that I am beautiful and it gave me hope that one day I would allow myself to actually see ME! It was freeing. I’m not by any means done struggling. It’s something I have to constantly work on; befriending the girl in the mirror. However I believe that with experiences like these and support of my family and friends I will someday.

 Leave your comments let me know what you think.

-Angela