Its been a little over 2 years and life still hasn't slowed down in the least. I haven't become wiser or more graceful. In fact I would say I have fallen harder and farther than ever before. I am actually more proud of my teen age self than ever. Some how through everything I managed to keep a good head on my shoulders. Now... I don't seem to know anything. I am 22 years old. I am a mother of a handsome two years old boy named Dax. I am a wife of three years, I am a daughter, I am a sister, I am an aunt, a cousin, a friend and there are probably other titles I am also failing. People I am also letting down.
I thought parents were suppose to have it all together. I knew they weren't perfect and I knew some parents were the worst of the worst; the kind that show up on the 6 o'clock news. But I didn't know there were parents like me. Parents that are struggling so much with their inner demons. Clinging to sanity. I'm not sure if I feel this way because I am so young but I cant help it. Every day I am torn with the feeling of awe at this little person I have to call my own, who fills my heart and home with so much love. At the same time I feel so trapped. I had such a strict up bringing and finally breaking free at 18 felt amazing, I knew I was going to go places and see everything. And then getting married and pregnant at 19 (and yes in that order) closed the door on so much. I was always a free spirit. I was always a little wild, a little untamed. I maybe lacked the courage to do the things I wanted but I knew I would over come that somehow.
Now as a mother I see the wonderful road I am down. The many glorious adventures I am about to face. And I want more than anything not think of my selfish, superficial desires. I want to be a mother who tries her hardest to be the best she can to her child. But I can still feel the longing in my heart to live all those many adventures I dreamed of when I was once a child. And I think even more importantly I wish my choices and decisions were like those of my two year old, simple and to some extent inconsequential. They aren't, not even close! I just want to enjoy watching him grow up. I don't want to resent motherhood. I know it's an amazing gift. I am just battling where my needs stand in comparison to my child and my family.
-Angela
I thought parents were suppose to have it all together. I knew they weren't perfect and I knew some parents were the worst of the worst; the kind that show up on the 6 o'clock news. But I didn't know there were parents like me. Parents that are struggling so much with their inner demons. Clinging to sanity. I'm not sure if I feel this way because I am so young but I cant help it. Every day I am torn with the feeling of awe at this little person I have to call my own, who fills my heart and home with so much love. At the same time I feel so trapped. I had such a strict up bringing and finally breaking free at 18 felt amazing, I knew I was going to go places and see everything. And then getting married and pregnant at 19 (and yes in that order) closed the door on so much. I was always a free spirit. I was always a little wild, a little untamed. I maybe lacked the courage to do the things I wanted but I knew I would over come that somehow.
Now as a mother I see the wonderful road I am down. The many glorious adventures I am about to face. And I want more than anything not think of my selfish, superficial desires. I want to be a mother who tries her hardest to be the best she can to her child. But I can still feel the longing in my heart to live all those many adventures I dreamed of when I was once a child. And I think even more importantly I wish my choices and decisions were like those of my two year old, simple and to some extent inconsequential. They aren't, not even close! I just want to enjoy watching him grow up. I don't want to resent motherhood. I know it's an amazing gift. I am just battling where my needs stand in comparison to my child and my family.
-Angela
