Goodbye 2014, Hello 2015

Daniel and I in Chicago December 2014 

I have done this every year since I was probably 14 or 15; usually it is written away in a journal somewhere for no one to see. However this year I feel it is more than appropriate to share with the void of the internet. So here it goes the recap; of the hardest year I have ever lived. Its funny but I have never thought a whole year was bad before. I used to think months and periods of time were bad but usually the over all year would be fine. But this year I think my husband and I can fully agree this was the worst of them all. From the very first moment the ball dropped nothing was quite right and the year just got periodically worse. Thankfully I was able to salvage the last few month of this year and my husband and I got to make some amazing memories especially in December. And I cannot wait for 2015 to get here. This one I can tell is going to be amazing. So here are some of my goals and resolutions for the coming year:

First off I want to read more. Whenever my life is going crazy I always stop reading, even when I was in high school. I think it is because my brain is so overwhelmed it can't be bothered to think of any thing else but the confusion rolling around in my brain. Now that all is going well I would love to start reading books that inspire: love, art and lighthearted dreams.

Secondly this next one is not high on my priority list. Its actually the only thing I accomplished this year. I stuck to all my health and fitness goals. I am the strongest and in the best shape of my life. When everything got so chaotic this year I would go for a run or do yoga and I could block out all of my internal struggles. I will continue working out at home and enjoying the freedom of running and being thankful for the strong body I have. However this year I will not become a slave to my diet and my exercise.

Third I want to work on my mental health. I want to work on staying happy and healthy. I want to feel more confident asking for help and letting others know when I am not okay. I used to be all about keeping up a good facade, even when everything around me was crumbling. I have learned this year that letting people in has allowed me to become closer to my friends and my family members who knew of my struggles. I can relate better with most of them. I want to remember that no ones life is perfect and that its okay to be vulnerable and ask for help.

Fourth one is lighthearted but a must for 2015. I NEED to get my drivers licenses this year or else an anvil had better fall on my head or something awful and drastic better happen. Nothing more needs said about that.

At Carnivale a restaurant in Chicago 

Fifth I want to continue discovering myself without hurting those around me. This is something really important I learned this year. Just because I am a young mother and wife that doesn't mean I have to lose chunks of myself. With that being said I also don't need to hurt those around me while I am exploring. I want to live gently.

While exploring and getting to know myself I want to get a couple of tattoos this new year. Its a silly goal but one I have always wanted to do and would be amazing if I finally got the chance to do.

And lastly and most importantly putting my family ahead of everything. This December not only are Daniel and I happier but Dax looks so happy and has grown up so much in the last month. I want to continue growing whole and healthy with my amazing little family. I also want to apologize to my friends and family who were affected by all my actions this year. I am so extremely sorry. I love you all so much and I cannot wait to put 2014 behind me and move forward with my family and friends. See you all in the new year.

-Angela 

Well Hello There

Its been a little over 2 years and life still hasn't slowed down in the least. I haven't become wiser or more graceful. In fact I would say I have fallen harder and farther than ever before. I am actually more proud of my teen age self than ever. Some how through everything I managed to keep a good head on my shoulders. Now... I don't seem to know anything. I am 22 years old. I am a mother of a handsome two years old boy named Dax. I am a wife of three years, I am a daughter, I am a sister, I am an aunt, a cousin, a friend and there are probably other titles I am also failing. People I am also letting down.

I thought parents were suppose to have it all together. I knew they weren't perfect and I knew some parents were the worst of the worst; the kind that show up on the 6 o'clock news. But I didn't know there were parents like me. Parents that are struggling so much with their inner demons. Clinging to sanity. I'm not sure if I feel this way because I am so young but I cant help it. Every day I am torn with the feeling of awe at this little person I have to call my own, who fills my heart and home with so much love. At the same time I feel so trapped. I had such a strict up bringing and finally breaking free at 18 felt amazing, I knew I was going to go places and see everything. And then getting married and pregnant at 19 (and yes in that order) closed the door on so much. I was always a free spirit. I was always a little wild, a little untamed. I maybe lacked the courage to do the things I wanted but I knew I would over come that somehow.

Now as a mother I see the wonderful road I am down. The many glorious adventures I am about to face. And I want more than anything not think of my selfish, superficial desires. I want to be a mother who tries her hardest to be the best she can to her child. But I can still feel the longing in my heart to live all those many adventures I dreamed of when I was once a child. And I think even more importantly I wish my choices and decisions were like those of my two year old, simple and to some extent inconsequential. They aren't, not even close! I just want to enjoy watching him grow up. I don't want to resent motherhood. I know it's an amazing gift. I am just battling where my needs stand in comparison  to my child and my family.

-Angela